Highs and Lows

The high point of my day so far? The only piece of mail was a notice that I've been pre-approved for a Home Depot card. Great. Have I been pre-approved for a home to improve, too?

The low point of my day? Getting called to go in an hour early to work because someone was a no-show. Can I get a new job now, please? I'm waiting to hear back for an interview with a local non-profit for an office assistant position. Hopefully this week or next. *fingers crossed*

Actually, the real high point of my day is probably what I've made for lunch/dinner to bring to work with me: a tuna and potato salad with onion, celery and carrot, seasoned with salt, pepper, coriander, fennel seed and olive oil. Yum.

And now I'm off to enjoy a bit of the gorgeous 11c day outside before being trapped indoors all day.

I think...

...I want a dog. Not a big one. But not an over-size rat, either. Maybe Boston Terrier sized, like my neighbour's dog, Guinness (so-named for his pint size) but perhaps a bit larger.

And I shall name him Dante.

(PS Boston weekend post upcoming. When I get around to sitting down to write it.)

The brilliance of the Onion never ceases to amaze me

Franz Ferdinand Frontman Shot By Gavrilo Princip Bassist

March 17, 2006 | Issue 42•12

GLASGOW, SCOTLAND—Lead singer and guitarist for pop band Franz Ferdinand, Alexander Kapranos, is in critical condition today after being shot by a man identified as the bassist for rock group Gavrilo Princip. "We ask fans to cooperate with Interpol to find the assailant, and call upon British Sea Power, Snow Patrol, and The Postal Service for help," drummer Paul Thompson told music magazine NME Monday. "The suspect had links to The Decemberists and The Libertines, and we are following up on all leads." It is unclear whether the shooting was linked to The Polyphonic Spree's invasion of Belgium earlier this week.

(of course, these are all real bands, including Interpol.... The history: The First World War was sparked by the assassination of Austro-Hungarian Archduke Franz Ferdinand in Sarajevo by a Bosnian Serb nationalist, Gavrilo Princip. So far as I know, though, there is no actual band named Gavrilo Princip.)

Through the Inferno

I finished reading the Inferno tonight. Now it's on to the Purgatorio.

As for my own hoped upward arc, I'm still feeling pretty good about things. Relatively, anyway.

And I'm going to Boston for the weekend. Yay. A chance to get out of Portland! :-)

Random

I got a free bottle of Worcestershire Sauce today.

'And so it is'

And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time

from 'The Blower's Daughter' by Damien Rice

I saw the boy for the first time yesterday since we broke up. And...it was good.

I didn't really know quite what to expect from it, or how I would really react to seeing him. I didn't cry right away, at least.

It was a good conversation. He told me things I already knew, but that helped to hear from him anyway. Like the fact that there's nothing that he can say or do--unless I feel like I have specific things I want to ask him--to help me work through my own feelings. He reinforced how much he does care for me and how much he does still want me in his life but also that we can't start working towards a friendship--a friendship that he thinks can be a very good and strong and intimate one--until I can get myself to a point where I can see him and talk to him without having expectations for things that he doesn't feel that he can give me right now.

I told him about how I keep having these stupid fantasies about five years down the road, where we're both at different points in our lives and it makes sense then. I told him that I realised how stupid and academic those fantasies are given just how impossible it is to predict a day from now never mind five years from now. And he agreed. He said, Yes, maybe five years from now things will be different. But neither of us can even pretend to predict that and so it's probably not a good thing to spend a lot of time thinking about. I was rather happy that he didn't completely deny the possibility. But I know that he's right, too, that it's something so beyond our control that it's really not something to put a lot of energy into.

I also told him that I am continuing to work through all sorts of emotional baggage that I thought had been long dealt with from the aforementioned relationship of four years ago. I didn't give him specifics but told him that the baggage had been bringing me to really dark thoughts. Not 'I want to kill myself' thoughts, mind you, but thoughts about reasons for the break up that I know are unworthy of him and contradictory to everything that he is. Thoughts that have been very tough to get out of my mind but ones that I know are entirely created by a past pain. I told him that I knew that it was far beyond the point that I could talk to my ex and think it would make things better--and also that I didn't think talking with him (the current boy) would necessarily help either. Mostly, I just wanted to put it out there so he knew where I was at with things.

And so...

Nel mezzo del camin di nostra vita
mi ritrovai per una selva oscura,
ché la diritta via era smarrita.

When I had journeyed half our life's way,
I found myself within a shadowed forest,
for I had lost the path that does not stray.

I started re-reading the Divine Comedy last week. I'm almost through Inferno. I'd been looking for something to lift my spirits and hadn't had any luck. I'd been thinking of re-reading this for a while and it seemed an appropriate metaphor for me right now as well as appropriate for this time of year, since Easter is coming up and the work takes place over Easter weekend.

Last night, I came to one of my favourite canti of the Inferno, XXVI. Here, Dante and Virgil encounter Ulysses and Diomedes entwined together in a single flame in the pouch of the false councillors. Only Ulysses speaks and he tells of his attempt to sail past the Pillars of Hercules--the westernmost limit of the Ancient world (indeed, of the known world until the Americas were reached). He recalls the speech he gave to his men:

'Brothers', I said, 'o you, who having crossed
a hundred thousand dangers, reach the west,
to this brief waking-time that is still left
unto your senses, you must not deny
experience of that which lies beyond
the sun, and of the world that is unpeopled.
Consider well the seed that gave you birth:
you were not made to live your lives as brutes,
but to be followers of virtue and knowledge.'

And so he and his crew strike out, into unexplored territory. Eventually, they draw near the mountain of Purgatory, the only land mass in the southern hemisphere (if you want to know more about medieval geography, ask). As they approach, though, a whirlwind is sent out from the mountain which tosses them back to the Mediterranean.

And for this he winds up in one of the deepest levels of Hell. This has always bothered me. A lot. He encourages his men to seek out new knowledge and is punished for eternity for providing false council. In other words, seeking knowledge beyond the set limits is an affront to God. I think Dante was rather wrong on this one. It's the thirst for knowledge that is beyond our limits that is one of the things that makes us human. And, if we go with the Christian notion that we were created in God's image then it would seem that to seek new knowledge, if it is an inherent impulse, would be rather a godly thing to do.

But I digress. This wasn't supposed to be about theology.

My whole point about the Divine Comedy and Easter coming up, and the fact that today is the first full day of Spring is that these are all things that are somehow connected with renewal and rebirth and resurrection.

I always knew that I would eventually heal from the breakup. I'm not saying that I have yet. I suspect that it will be a very long time, in fact, before I am entirely healed. But talking to the boy yesterday gave me a glimpse at what's waiting once I begin to heal: he'll still be in my life and he can still be an important part of my life. Just in a different way. The song 'Don't Change Your Plans' by Ben Folds Five comes to mind:

Don't change your plans for me
I won't move to LA
The leaves are falling back east
That's where I'm going to stay

All I really wanna say
Is you're the reason I wanna stay
But destiny is calling and won't hold
And when my time is up I'm outta here

All I know is I gotta be
Where my heart says I oughta be
It often makes no sense, in fact
I never understand these things,
I feel

I love you, good bye
I love you, good bye...

He needs to do what he needs to do for himself before he can think about someone else. I can't keep him from that and it would be unfair of me even to try.

I still have a fairly deep hole that I need to get myself out of but I feel like I have a sense of how to start now.

Number 4...

They want to give the Montreal Olympic stadium ANOTHER roof. This would be the fourth roof that it's had in its 30 years. Why can't they just let it rot? As some kind of testimony to how much the games cost the city and the province?

Jean Drapeau, mayor of Montreal at the time of the games, once said (and I've always assumed that this was in reference to the stadium, but I'm not positive), 'The ugliness of slums in which people live doesn't matter if we can make them stand wide-eyed in admiration of works of art they don't understand.'

The More You Ruv Someone - Avenue Q

(Note: these lyrics are not wine-related. They are connected to my thinking about last night and talking to the boy today, which I was surprised by, given that I drunk im'ed and then drunk dialed him and then drunk im'ed him again and said a few stupid and nasty things.

He wasn't blowing me off so much as we had misunderstood each other. I thought he was going to phone me from work since he had lost his cell phone but he was expecting me to phone him when I finished work and, failing that, to im him when I got home since I don't have a set time that I finish work by, just a general idea.

I've left the ball in his court about getting together. He says he does want to see me but doesn't want it to be forced or contrived. And he doesn't want there to be any yelling involved. I don't want there to be any yelling either. My stupidity last night aside, I'm not so much angry with him as I am just hurt and confused about the situation. I told him as much when I talked to him earlier. Knowing his schedule, I'm guessing/hoping that we'll get together sometime early next week.

In the meantime, Videoport has become my new boyfriend. I've rented SO many movies over the past couple of weeks and am well on my way to watching David Lynch's entire oeuvre. I'd only ever seen Dune and Mulholland Drive. I watched Blue Velvet Wednesday night and rented Lost Highway tonight but haven't watched it yet. I also rented the first episode of Ric Burns' documentary on New York. Pretty good. I'm sure the other five will live up to this one.)

Kate Monster:
Why can’t people get along and love each other, Christmas Eve?

Christmas Eve:
You think getting along same as loving?
Sometimes love right where you hating most, Kate Monster.

Kate Monster:
Huh?

Christmas Eve:
The more you ruv someone,
The more you want to kill ‘em.
The more you ruv someone,
The more he make you cry

Though you are try
For making peace
With them and loving,
That’s why you ruv so strong
You like to make him die!

The more you ruv someone,
The more he make you crazy.
The more you ruv someone,
The more you wishing him dead!

Sometime you look at him
And only see fat and lazy,
And wanting baseball bat
For hitting him on his head!

Ruv

Kate Monster:
Love

Christmas Eve:
And hate

Kate Monster:
And hate

Christmas Eve:
They like two brothers

Kate Monster:
Brothers

Christmas Eve:
Who go on a date

Kate Monster:
Who....what?

Christmas Eve:
Where one of them goes,
Other one follows
You inviting ruv
He also bringing sorrows

Kate Monster:
Ah, yes.

Christmas Eve:
The more you ruv someone,
The more you want to kill ‘em.
Ruving and killing
Fit like hand in glove!

Kate Monster:
Hand in glove.

Christmas Eve:
So if there someone
You are wanting so
To kill ‘em.
You go and find him.
And you get him.
And you no kill him.
‘Cause chances good

Both:
He is your love.

For what it's worth...

...the previous lyrics have been thanks to a bottle of Jacob's Creek Shiraz and the boy blowing me off tonight. We were supposed to get together tonight to talk, and he never phoned.

Any further lyrics dated from tonight or tomorrow will likely be from that same bottle unless otherwise noted.

A chi? - Fausto Leali

A chi?
Sorriderò se non a te?
A chi?
Se tu, tu non sei più qui?

(To whom?
Will I smile at if not at you?
To whom?
If you're, you're no longer here?)

Ormai è finita,
È finita, tra di noi.
Ma forse un po' della mia vita
È rimasta negli occhi tuoi.

(Now it's over,
Over beteween us.
But perhaps a little bit of my life
Remains in your eyes.)

A chi?
Io parlerò, se non a te?
A chi?
Racconterò tutti i sogni miei?

(To whom?
Will I talk, if not to you?
To whom?
Will I tell all my dreams?)

Lo sai m'hai fatto male
Lasciandomi solo così.
Ma non importa, io ti aspetterò.

(You know that you've done wrong
Leaving me here alone like this.
But that doesn't matter, I'll wait for you.)

A chi?
Io parlerò se non a te?
A chi?
Racconterò tutti i sogni miei?

(To whom?
Will I talk, if not to you?
To whom?
Will I tell all my dreams?)

Lo sai m'hai fatto male
Lasciandomi solo così.
Ma non importa, io ti aspetterò.

(You know that you've done wrong
Leaving me here alone like this.
But that doesn't matter, I'll wait for you.)

Antologia - Shakira

Just two lines...

Pero olvidaste una final instruccion
por que aun no se como vivir sin tu amor?


'But you forgot one final instruction
How am I supposed to live without your love?'

Motorcycle Drive By - Third Eye Blind

Summertime and the wind is blowing outside in lower Chelsea
And I don't know what I'm doing in this city
The sun is always in my eyes
It crashes through the windows
And I'm sleeping on the couch
When I came to visit you
That's when I knew
That I could never have you
I knew that before you did
Still I'm the one whose stupid

And there's this burning
Like there's always been
I've never been so alone
And I've never been so alive

Visions of you on a motorcycle drive by
The cigarette ash flies in your eyes
And you don't mind
And you smile
And say the world doesn't fit with you.
I don't believe you
You're so serene
Careening through the universe
Your axis on a tilt
Guiltless and free
I hope you take a piece of me with you

And there's things I'd like to do that you don't believe in
I would like to build something
But you'll never see it happen
And there's this burning
Like there's always been
I've never been so alone
And I, I've never been so alive

And there's this burning
There is this burning

Where's the soul, I want to know
New York City is evil
The surface is everything
But I could never do that
Someone would see through that
And this is the last time
We'll be friends again
And I'll get over you
You'll wonder who I am

And there's this burning,
just like there's always been,
I've never been so alone, alone
And I've never been so alive
So alive.

I go home to the coast, it starts to rain
I paddle out on the water
Alone.
Taste the salt and taste the pain
I'm not thinking of you again
Summer dies and swells rise
The sun goes down in my eyes
See this rolling wave
Darkly coming to take me
Home.

And I never been so alone
And I've never been so alive.

Somewhat against my better judgement...

...I finally rented 'Closer' and have just watched it. I've been wanting to see it again for a bit, but it's been at the forefront of my list over the past couple of weeks. But each time that I've gone to rent it, the dvd copy has been out.

I feel incredibly numb right now. And it's given me the hope that things will either work out wonderfully or not at all.

And I have no way of knowing which it is.

Woop-dee-doo

As I sat down to pay bills, I noticed that my Visa credit limit has been increased. My excitement can barely be contained. (NB: That last sentence is DRIPPING with sarcasm.)

My interest for last month was also $6.66.

It's kind of like...

I've come to the conclusion that living in this city--and working where I work--bears a striking resemblance to living in a David Lynch film.

Progress?

I've been alternating between two play lists recently...

I.
And So It Goes - Billy Joel
The Blower's Daughter - Damien Rice
There's a Fine, Fine Line - Avenue Q
Heartbreaking Love - Rhett Miller
Summer, Highland Falls - Billy Joel
I've Loved These Days - Billy Joel
Without You - Rent
It Can't Come Quickly Enough - Scissor Sisters
Long Way to Run - Collective Soul
Ma vie à l'heure (La toune de l'Ouest) - Les Respectables
Both Sides Now (Orchestral version) - Joni Mitchell
Still Fighting It - Ben Folds

II.
Travelin' Thru - Dolly Parton
Ma vie à l'heure (La toune de l'Ouest) - Les Respectables
Still Fighting It - Ben Folds
It Can't Come Quickly Enough - Scissor Sisters
The Promised Land - Bruce Springsteen
These Are Days - 10,000 Maniacs
Against the Wind - Bob Seger
Say Goodbye to Hollywood - Billy Joel

I've mostly switched over to listening to the second play list, moving away from the first's emphasis on emotional break-up like songs to the second's emphasis on moving on, coping, etc. Mostly. Not entirely. I may add Dido's White Flag to the second one, though.

It's not been quite two weeks yet. I still haven't seen him, though I've spoken to him a couple of times.

I still keep asking myself why and I'm still not satisfied with the answers.

I think this about describes it

Blech

I didn't sleep well last night. Strange dreams. Not nightmares, just strange. I woke up around 4 and couldn't get back to sleep until close to six. I considered getting up to see the sunrise but didn't. I miss sharing my bed with the boy. Whenever I would wake up in the middle of the night, it was easy to get back to sleep when he was on the other side of the bed.

Maybe I'm putting too much on this relationship, short as it was?

I don't think so. It felt too right for me to let it go so easily, even if it was comparatively short.

Today's semi-neurotic thought

I don't want to end up like Julia Roberts in 'My Best Friend's Wedding', trying to break up the boy's wedding at some point down the road and try to steal him back for myself.

Not that I would ever do that.

Jobs

I just applied for my first big boy job. Although I think it's already been filled, sadly. There was a posting Monday on idealist.org for an admin assistant position at Oxfam America (which I never knew was based in Boston). When I went to look at the position again on Tuesday, it was gone--both from the Idealist website and from the Oxfam site.

Alas.

I hoped at first that it was maybe just a glitch, but it has yet to reappear. I figured that it couldn't hurt to send off a cover letter and résumé anyway, though.

So I did.

We'll see.

In the meantime, the search continues....

Another week, another horoscope

While I don't build my life around them, I do find that horoscopes and astrology in general usually have something to them. Once again, Free Will Astrology from the Village Voice speaks to me....

As a Cancerian, you're sometimes prone to indulging in pathological levels of self-sufficiency. You can get into the bad habit of making it hard for people to give you emotional support, constructive feedback, and plain old ordinary gifts. That's why I hesitate to say anything that might encourage you to get into a woe-is-me, I-have-to-do-everything-myself mode of heroic martyrdom. Nevertheless, I've decided to take that risk. To achieve the breakthrough that's now available, you may have to take what Ernest Hemingway described as the path to greatness: Push yourself 'far out past where you can go, out to where no one can help you.'

A breath?

Portland, I think, is very slowly--but ever so surely--suffocating me.

Un autre mars...

...quand je pense que je doive remettre ma vie à l'heure....

Ma vie à l'heure (La toune de l'ouest) par Les Respectables

L'autre soir j'ai reçu un appel
On m'invitait à prendre le large
Une p'tite coquine que je désirais
Depuis l'secondaire s'il vous plait
Mais j'savais pas trop quoi penser
Tsé la liberté ça m'faisait peur
Ça me donne la frousse de tout quitter
Mais cette fille-là je l'ai au coeur

J'ai fait le tour de mon école
J'sais pas vraiment c'qui m'intéresse
Toujours assis sur mes deux fesses
J'crois que j'vais tout laisser tomber

Cette fois viens je t'emmène
Le soleil brillera pour nous deux
J'attendais de tes nouvelles
J'attendais ton appel
Goodbye à mes vrais amis
En vérité je vous le dis
Je remets ma vie à l'heure
Je remets ma vie à l'heure

J'ai décidé d'l'accompagner
D'aller faire un p'tit tour dans l'Ouest
Le mot liberté me reviens
J'suis de Québec et j'm'en souviens
J'pourrais toujours bien revenir
Faut pas partir dans cet esprit là
S'il y a des choses qui me plaisent ici
Elles s'ront plus belles vues de là-bas

Cette fois viens je t'emmène
Le soleil brillera pour nous deux
J'attendais de tes nouvelles
J'attendais ton appel
Goodbye à mes vrais amis
En vérité je vous le dis
Je remets ma vie à l'heure
Je remets ma vie à l'heure

Cette fois viens je t'emmène
Le soleil brillera pour nous deux
Je remets ma vie à l'heure
Je remets ma vie à l'heure

Peut-être qu'il faut s'enfuir loin de son passé
Toujours partir afin de mieux se retrouver

So aujourd'hui nous vlà partis
J'sais pas vraiment c'que je m'en vais faire
J'suis pas si pressé de le trouver
Je serais patient pour lui plaire

Cette fois viens je t'emmène
Le soleil brillera pour nous deux
J'attendais de tes nouvelles
J'attendais ton appel
Goodbye à mes vrais amis
En vérité je vous le dis
Je remets ma vie à l'heure
Je remets ma vie à l'heure

Cette fois viens je t'emmène
Le soleil brillera pour nous deux
J'attendais de tes nouvelles
J'attendais ton appel
Goodbye à mes vrais amis
En vérité je vous le dis
Je remets ma vie à l'heure
Je remets ma vie à l'heure

'Still Fighting It'

It was pain
Sunny days and rain
I knew you’d feel the same things

Everybody knows
It hurts to grow up
And everybody does
It’s so weird to be back here.
Let me tell you what
The years go on and
We’re still fighting it, we’re still fighting it
Oh, we’re still fighting it, we’re still fighting it

Even though this is a song that Ben Folds wrote for his son (with a video that I highly recommend for its touching father/son moments), it is one that has stuck with me and often comes to the surface when I hit a snag.

In case it wasn't obvious from the last post of lyrics, things are not well between the boy and me. We broke up Tuesday night. Because we love each other. And are both too goddamned practical.

As I think I mentioned when I wrote about our space talk, we're both at points that we really need to figure out what we're doing with our futures. I told him that I had come to the firm conclusion that I needed to leave Portland come fall when my lease is up, because I'm increasingly just not happy being here. I'm not really surprised since this was never meant to be permanent--at least part of me is surprised that I've made it even this long. I'm just too much a big city boy to ever really be comfortable in as small a place as this. I told him, though, that I hadn't managed to think very far down the road of leaving because he kept coming up very quickly in my thoughts. Since he may or may not be staying here, I didn't want to think about moving too far if he was still going to be here. I acknowledged that that was thinking rather far ahead, since a lot could happen between now and the fall, but that's where I'm at right now.

For his part, he hadn't gotten very far to thinking about what his plans might be but had mostly been thinking about us and realised that he wasn't in a place that he felt he could make the decisions that he needs to make and fairly take someone else into account. He also said that he just didn't feel sure enough about us to make that kind of jump in thinking about a shared future at this point.

It all comes down to figuring out what's best for both of us. As usual. That's why we broke up. Because we want what's best for each other.

Not that I'm happy with this. Far from it. I've mostly managed to stop crying at the drop of a hat. It's not easy to hear that the other person isn't totally sure about a relationship when you've never been so sure about something ever in your life. But I know that there's little that I can do. We both still very much want to be a part of the other's life. We just have to figure out how to make that work. We'll see how it goes.

And just in case any of this sounds familiar, it's because I did this almost exactly a year ago, when I was getting ready to leave Montréal. Except that it made so much more sense then. And I didn't feel nearly as sure about the guy I was seeing then as I feel about this guy.

My teenaged co-worker, after I told him why I was in such a bad mood on Wednesday, said to me, 'At least you don't have leprosy!' He also suggested that I could do a Google Image search for 'tape worms'.

There is always that, I suppose.

And so it goes - Billy Joel

In every heart there is a room
A sanctuary safe and strong
To heal the wounds from lovers past
Until a new one comes along

I spoke to you in cautious tones
You answered me with no pretense
And still I feel I said too much
My silence is my self defense

And every time I've held a rose
It seems I only felt the thorns
And so it goes, and so it goes
And so will you soon I suppose

But if my silence made you leave
Then that would be my worst mistake
So I will share this room with you
And you can have this heart to break

And this is why my eyes are closed
It's just as well for all I've seen
And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows

So I would choose to be with you
That's if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break

And so it goes, and so it goes
And you're the only one who knows